Outing the Critic

Once again, nudged by some Angry White Guy in Chicago, I’m compelled to take on some a youze critics out there…if you’re even listening.

Have any of you guys ever walked out on a play and then still written the review as if you hadn’t? Come on now. Don’t be bashful. You can even check in anonymously if that makes you feel better. Anyone? Anyone? Come on! Sure you have!

I personally haven’t seen it happen at one of my shows and I haven’t been in the audience when it was clear that THIS person who was sitting next to me was a reviewer and then that THIS person just wasn’t there after intermission and then put two and two together and read the review of THIS person who never really saw the entire show and now feels as if they still have the authority to say anything about it.

Gasp. That was a grammatically syntax-less implosion, I know.

But I do have my own personal story that comes close to such a scenario. There was a Dramalogue reviewer up in San Francisco, I won’t name his name even though the guy might not even be around anymore – he was, to put it mildly – a little on the ancient side.

All right, his name was Dean Goodman!

Sorry, Dean, this has obviously been a sore spot for a while now but I gotta get it off my chest… Hope you’ll forgive what I’m about to say,

Dean came to this one-person show called “Linden Arden Stole the Highlights” I wrote and performed in this Scottish pub called The Edinburgh Castle. Actually it was their first real theatrical production and helped launch the space as a venue – the next show was the American premiere of “Trainspotting”. Anyway, this ancient critic, Dean, gave me a nice review, something like “raw energy, nerve ends exposed”. Sweet.

I thought.

I found out later from my light technician that Dean slept through most of the show. My first reaction was: Great I bored the guy into catatonia. But another part of me thought: Hey, he still got that “raw energy, nerve ends exposed” feeling. And then another part of me (I have a lot of parts) thought; No he didn’t, he just made the whole fucking thing up because he was getting paid to write something!

To be fair, Dean was very good to me soon after this incident, giving a production that I directed an absolute rave. I believe, “mesmerizing” was used to describe my stellar directing. Thank ya, Dean. Although, I couldn’t tell you if he pulled that one out of his narcoleptic ass either.

So the point is: it happens. I suppose falling asleep is better than walking out – which is what happened in Chicago (see link above). The reviewer was subsequently busted – just so you know. And I suppose my continuing to expand the story won’t make her feel any better either. Oh well.

But would love to hear from YOU folks on the subject. Ever have a reviewer walk out on one of your shows then still write the review as if they’d seen the whole shebang? Or you critics. Ever recused yourself from a review because you couldn’t hang to the finish? Or just fudged it cuz you needed the dough but hated the show and had to go?

It’s a tough job being a critic, I understand your pain, I’m starting to get a little feel for it myself during my infrequent forays as dastardly reviewer; but one must hold one’s self to some kind of standard, some sort of honor and integrity. Because your word is your reputation. Period.

As a playwright I have no choice but to embrace that principle. As a critic, do you?